Religious jokes, from Beliefnet
6/19/03 - A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"I'll believe in reincarnation in my next life."
6/17/03 - An Apocalyptic One-Liner
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little just to be funny.
6/16/03 - Entrance Exam
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why
you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I had not done any good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passed the test.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn, who tells the Angel, "I had done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five prescepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, he agrees to take the test.
The Angel then asks him: "How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
8/7/03 - What Is This?
priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
8/10/03 - Hindu Happy Birthday
What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.
8/23/03 - A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God give me patience....And make it quick!"
9/6/03 - The Pope’s Surprise
Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"
9/9/03 - Paging John Edward
There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in another life.
They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one died, the other would attend a seance exactly four weeks later and contact the other.
Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:
Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he
Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"
Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"
John: "Yes, it's me."
Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"
John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."
Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"
John: "I'm not in Heaven."
Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"
John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"
9/11/03 - If you don’t have anything nice to say….
An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, "You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students observe Mouna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed
to speak in 12 years."
After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."
9/30/03 - What I Learned From Noah
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. Many were posted on Beliefnet, some were passed along via email and others spotted on other websites. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown -- but we thank them.
With thanks to beliefnet