Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

A Survey of the Philosophical History

Plato -- For the greater good.

Karl Marx -- It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli -- So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Donald B. Ardell -- Because wellness is too important to be presented or lived grimly, as chickens had a tendency to do on the side it was already on.

Hippocrates -- Acknowledgement of a social concern; having contracted a highly contagious disease characterized by an itchy rash of blister like lesions. To alleviate the discomfort, the chicken is instinctively aware that a drug known as acyclover grows in cow paddocks over the road, which when eaten will help these lesions to crust over, thus making the disease no longer communicable and so returns to its coop.(Whence derives the saying that the grass is greener on the other side of the road.)

Noam Chomsky -- The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermart) Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks. (Incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry.) Anyway, ... [Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Onanian Press]

Ecce - I agree with Noam; so if a high pecking order chicken was strutting along until it caught a whiff if the Colonels KFC and across the road was Big Mac's with kiddies playing outside on the grassy sward(artificial) strewn with lettuce leaves(real), would it not be considered prudent of the chicken to take the option and cross on a wing and a prayer?

Nietzsche -- Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.

Oliver North -- National Security was at stake.

Edith Bunker -- I s u p o s e i t w a n t e d t o g e t t o t h e o t h e r s I d e.

B. F. Skinner -- Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Richard Nixon -- Edgar will find out! Or, uh, we could put, uh, Liddy on it.I worry about Liddy sometimes. Remember when we assigned him to figure out which 1 of those [expletive deleted] passenger pigeons had been leaking campaign docs

Carl Jung -- The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre -- In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein -- The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein -- Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle -- To actualize its potential.

Buddha -- If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Darwin -- It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Epicurus -- For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson -- It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe -- The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway -- To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg -- We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume -- Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson -- 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason

Ronald Reagan -- I forget.

John Sununu -- The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx -- You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau -- To live deliberately ...and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain -- The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Catherine Mackinnon -- Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last 4 centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technonogy and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has has made the chicken the most consumed animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.

Ludwig van Beethoven -- Eh?

Jane Hurley - Because Hugh Grant stopped his car & opened the back door

Stephen Jay Gould -- It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Josef Stalin -- I don't know or care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Malcolm X -- It was coming home to roost.

Don Glass -- To show the possum it could be done.

George W Bush- Ask that Republican Senator! Or the ex president

Bill Clinton -- It is one of the challenging problems of our time, isn't it? And, although we have known of this problem for many years, nobody has ever taken it seriously enuf to really feel the chicken's pain. Clearly we need to move forward on this issue in a measured, humane way, bearing in mind that the federal government can't be all things to all creatures, but that, in the final analysis, it is the Constitution of this great land of ours which guarantees freedom of action, within prudent limits,(Monica excepted) for all of us. God bless you, and thanks for asking.

Sir Winston Churchill -- I cannot forecast to you the meaning behind the action of such a chicken. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma Never in the field of human endeavour has so many terminological inexactitudes been perpetrated over so few courageous flyers.

Time Magazine -
The web of intrigue and attention this avian creature seems to be attracting, we thought we would give it prominence on the cover and invite readers to add their contribution - no particular pecking order of course.