Manic Depression - A Personal Story of Spirituality
Meindert Putter (2002)
[I met Meindert online in a Dutch e-mailgroup on theosophy. Later we met in the flesh and I got to know how sane a person can be, even when diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder, and on permanent medication. For this website I asked him to share his story, which follows. Katinka Hesselink]
My name is Meindert Putter and I would like to tell something about my life in relation to mental problems and spiritual growth. When I grew up I found that my life was simple and I enjoyed every moment of it. Ofcourse I had the ordinary struggles and problems but nothing out of the ordinary. I loved sports and learned easily. When I got older I passed highschool and planned a study for accountant. There was a lot of work in that profession and one could make good money in that line of work. My relationships developed normally and all seemed allright. There were no big worries.
When you read this you must sense that something was about to happen. This happened when I was nineteen, when I worked at an accountantfirm and studied academically, which was necessary for the job. I did this for two years. Lived in a world where everything had to do with figures and money. The study was difficult and I had to work hard for it to get results. The work did not feel good, but my ambition pushed me onward.
Then the fates turned. I collapsed and everybody thought that I had worked and studied to hard. I experienced my first episode of manic depression but nobody had a clue. I recovered and because I thought that the job was the reason, I decided to change jobs and got a commercial job in a small company. A year later the same thing happened again.
For the first time in my live I lost control and this confused me. The years before I had felt confident and had held on to my image. All my certainties diminished. I had to find some answers. I asked myself why this happened to me. All of a sudden life was a struggle. I lost jobs, and also my relationships. Nothing was easy anymore. All the other people seemed to experience easier lives.
One day I accidentally read a Buddhist poem. It touched my hart. It felt like a signal. I searched for the source and got interested in literature about life itself. My inquiry began. In the mean time I was diagnosed for Manic Depression and got my pills. In that time I felt that there was more to discover and started my search for the spiritual. I read more and more. In my life I met more people with the same interest. More and more I discovered a mysterious synchronicity of things in life. Somehow I felt that something was calling me in a mysterious way.
In the meanwhile I learned that being dependent on an image to hold up and holding on to external things wasn´t working out for me. I found out that everybody was actually in the same process, experiencing different lessons and this developed compassion in my heart and made me feel connected more and more with people. Things I learned theoretically showed their value during the coming years. What somewhere started as interesting theory began to be my guidance in life. This growing of insight gave me more and more peace and confidence. Other people now became co-travellers instead of competition. I started to look back in my life and learned that the right people appeared at the right time in my life. Grief and disappointment made me be more open and understanding towards others.
In my life now I work beside my daily job to work voluntarily with other manic-depressive patients and try to share my experiences. This feels good and keeps me learning about myself and mental processes. No one is less, when he or she is experiencing illnesses or disabiltities. Everything is growing, developing and evolving, each and everyone of us within this magnificent creation. No one is specially privileged. All have to deal with the same problems and opportunities to growth.
I have had and still have my grief, pain etc. but also know the power of love and feel almost certain about the fact that their is a purpose in all this. To get further connected with this goal feels like an enormous, mysterious challenge. It is a motivation to explore further and to get closer to the harmony in life which I feel deep in my soul.
I hope my story may inspire you and hope that you will be blessed with love.